I haven’t shared a blog post in a whiiiiile. This is why I can’t be a legit blogger. This sort of journaling is really more therapeutic for me than something I think other people want to read. However, I feel like lots of my friends might relate to this so here goes.
Today was the first day I had the thought… “I’m not a good mom.” I guess in some ways it’s a win that it took this long – I’m on kid #2 after all. The thought surfaced in my head after I yelled at my oldest, Lyla, again. I feel like I have been yelling at her for days. I know she’s adjusting to life as a big sis and the shift of my daytime world revolving around her to her little brother but damnit she’s been pushing my every button every damn day. Right now I don’t have time to be the calm, cool mom she was used to so she gets worn out boring mom that has no time to play and tells her to stop doing half the stuff she does all day. Frankly, earlier today she got downright psycho screaming demon from hell mom after I asked her to stay off the bed where her brother was laying asleep so that I could go throw away the diapers that piled up during the night shift. Instead of listening, she scrambled up on to the bed as fast as she could and jumped right next to her baby brother’s head. She always forgives me, thankfully, when I ask for it and even when I don’t. I know because as much as she irritates the fire out of me during the day, she smiles at me, continually fetches me diapers and tells me I’m a good Mommy too. But, today I’m just not feeling like it’s true.
What I do feel is guilty every time I compare my level of commitment to breastfeeding Brooks (which is quickly fading) with my experience with Lyla. I feel tired. My boobs feel like they’re being stabbed by sewing needles. I feel bad that I get upset with Lyla so much especially since her misbehavior is likely fueled by this situation and my lack of attention to her. For that reason, I feel bad scolding her all the time but I also can’t just ignore her behavior. Shew… I feel a lot of things right now.
I know it’ll pass. I’m just really friggin’ frustrated and did I mention being tired? Since the day we brought Brooksie home, its been one thing after another. Between recuperating from birth, him not gaining weight for the first few weeks, the double eye infection, diaper rashes, neither of us being rockstars at breastfeeding, and now both of us having thrush (which I think we’ve had for a while and didn’t know it because breastfeeding has SUCKED) – we just haven’t caught a break. Such is life with a newborn, I know. It just stinks that my Lyla girl is kind of getting the short end of the stick.
**As I’m typing, she literally just told me I was a good Mommy for turning on her favorite movie soundtrack to dance to… I hear you, God!
This won’t last, I know. The newness will wear off and all of the extra work and struggle that goes along with it will too. Everything we’ve experienced is totally normal and fixable and short term. I’m very grateful for that.
I know I’m a good mama. I wouldn’t attach myself to a pump or another human for 6+ hours a day and do the many many other unseen things I do every day to keep these precious little humans alive, loved, clean, clothed, and fed if I wasn’t. I’ll figure this new normal out and rock it like I always did as a mom of one. This is not the time for me but I do know it’s coming.
When my friends have asked me how I’m doing, I’ve tried to make a point to be honest. Telling them everything’s going fine may be easier but telling them things have NOT been easy feels a lot better. Plus, there’s enough filtered, glossed over, and unrealistic stuff out there. I don’t want to feed into that. I work with and am around a lot of mothers. They are part of the reason Im sharing this. To those reading, you’re not alone. If you’re not the version of you that you want to be today, you’re not stuck there. You’ll probably never be the perfect mom in your own mind but to those kiddos… you’re already there. Aside from just getting this off my own chest, hopefully this transparency will help someone else feel like it’s okay if you don’t have all your shit together today. And it’s okay to admit that you don’t.